Feelings...

Something I'm slowly rediscovering.
I spent many a year in Siberia, or at least emotionaly.
I have to tell you, it's really nice being there, since you don't have to care about anything, and you are just focussing on performing wtvr you might be on at the moment. Weather it be for youself or for others. It's great in terms of efficiency or in terms of being capable; but sucks when you turn the lights off at night and you end up in bed with a full day behind you and two hours of sleep to be had.
You've taken more pain killers then you should have today, but you couldn't have functioned otherwise, since you were out late the night before drinking hard, and had to make an apearance today. Throw on your best of the best and smile like the world is smiling back at you. Strange thing is, they are. They don't know you or know any better. You're so very good at being good to them, they're happy to have you there, you make them feel good.
You've forgotten how to make youself feel good, or remember what it's like to have someone else make you feel they way you make them feel. Maybe they do, maybe they try and you just don't notice. Tragic, since you wouldn't know the difference.

After that stunning performance, I've been hiding at home. I've done nothing but hide myself away from what I was. I'm affraid of myself now. Strange to say it but being that hot, on fire, and right now, was amazing, and intoxicating, the power was seductive and I enjoyed it. If I could say for certain it wasn't worth it, it would be easyer to put it behind me. But I loved the pain, and I miss it. This video game has kept my mind off everything that could ever have matered, so when people ask me what I've been up to and I say nothing or not much, I really mean it, since I may not have left the house the past few days at all. So I'm sitting on the edge now, looking over.

Perhaps now is the time to leap back into a life I could have, I should have and deserve. I've always wanted to be able to do more of that I want and be able to express and explore myself. I'm peeling myself away from the game slowly, but sometimes finding myself falling back into it, since I've been loosing touch with some people I miss, and also has given me time to see that some others I don't miss quite so much.

I'm giving it a go, since I think I do deserve a shot at something worth while in this life and I'm wasted if I don't share myself with others, since wine is great, but it always seems better with a meal, or even a nice peice of cheese.
I've decided to try and cut out butter, chocolate, some cheese and colas as best I can, and try to not drink beer as well. Trying to clear up my skin and loose the flab a little as well. Trying to jog every day, even if it's just a couple blocks (which I haven't done today) So far so good, but I can't help but crave everything I shoudn't be having. This mainly due to the fact that I was eating a lot of junk every day and night, it was good, but I wasn't really even enjoying it for the money and the tole it was taking on my body, so I'm trying to replace the chocolates and chips with green apples. It's kinda working. Gonna have to assign a day for eating naughty things I think, that way I know I can have it, just not today, as opposed to never.

And damit, I wanna dance. I've recently become a Rihanna fan, as well as James Blunt, and rediscovered Pink.
The music you don't hear quite so much or not as often is really quite something.
Little brain tangent ther as I was searching for images to add.
But Rihanna dances in her videos or at least seems like it and honestly, it inspired me to be able to dance again. People keep stopping me from exploring my body and what I can do with it. I asked Joe if I could be a male model if I changed some things and he said quite promptly No, and upon some further reflection, stuck to his No, which was really upsetting to me, not to mention when he told me I could never look str8 even if I was in a still photo, and then, added, posed by someone, and then added in black and white, not even at that could I look str8. I was a little taken aback. I can't think of specific examples, but no one seems to support my aaspiration to dance either. I know my mother doesn't think I'm the least bit graceful or coordinated or anything dance-like.
But I have to add, that one fine summer, at the Shtataha arts festival in EL, there was this dance pair, interpretive dance or something and they did a workshop. With body and movement. rhytmic dance i think it was. There were a few percussionists and this woman leading the session and they got us to go through some movements and meditations as we tried different things, some were easyer then others, and then at the end, they literally got everyone to thank the musicians with a dance of their own at the centre of the circle people had formed. It was to be an all out uninhibited dance and bodily expression of self. In that ONE moment, that single moment, I felt free. The people were all there to be supportive, it was a safe space, people of all sorts and capabilities were there, and I had no shame or reasons why I couldn't dance; so I did, and I did hard. It was pure passion. Dance as it should be.

Ya know, I don't have a bad body. I think I was just raised so terribly non-sexually that I am terribly ashamed of it, and am working on accepting that fact, that yes, I do and I should apreciate it.
Dat, my first queer experience ( no I didn't sleep with him, but he was like a god send to me, showing me that gay was okay) Bi-sexual Kickboxing asian runway model; it must have killed him a little inside when I categorically said no, that I wasn't gay. Bold faced lied to him, and lied to myself. I had never really denied it that strongly before and for no reason.
He was the first persone I think to tell me that I was actually good looking and if i lost some weight, I could be a model too, perhaps. And for fuck sakes, there's no reason I couldn't be. I'm shaped right. My parts are how they should be. I just need less flab covering some of them.. lol

WoW = no life

Ok - need to vent in a quiet space about this fucking PoS game.

Since the expansion, been workinng my ass off to please people, I knew this would happen, since it's totally something I always do to myself. Pleasing people and over extending myself. So I was wondering if upon release of the expansion I should just stop. Stop it alltogethere and leave it behind. It would have saved me the money to buy the addition and then also the countless hours of playing and the equally countless hours of once healthy social life.

Now, I'm playing my ass off, and I find myself at a crossroads where inferior priests are getting the same gear as I have, just because they managed to do an instance or two. I remember back in the day where you had a peice of armor from here and nother from there and if you traveled enough you could collect what you wanted. It seems now that I'm getting screwed. I wanna say that there are fewer instances, but really there aren't. Perhaps there are fewer "lvl70" ones. as some may be "lvl68" or wtvr. Who knows, they screwed up the instances in teh expac as well.

Right now on a bit of a grind for rep through instancing.. but once I've done that, as I'm instancing almost as a full time occupation, what will there be left to do? By then I should also have the gear I want from the instances I would have run, siince the ones that have anyhting left are the ones I have rep yet to get - soo I guess that works out. But at the same time, it's barely an upgrade from that I have, if not only for being better geared toward my playstyle.

Not to mention the people I'm running with. It seems if I'm not running with 'my A team' people are suprisingly childish. And, not to say I don't adore my friends, but they aren't a perfect grp makeup either. Although, I suppose since the expansion, it's hard to say what exactly that would be. It's like every instance is made for it to be hard for every grp makeup, at least for a set amount of pulls, or a certain boss.

I would really like for some of the tailors to get some of the whitemend patterns for me to be able to have them to be a bit better off in terms of healing gear, but seems no one's putting the time in, or at least that's kinda how I feel, since no one has them yet, or if they do, they sure as hell aren't speaking up. And not to mention, the lack of people running instances in general, which are going to need to get their asses in hear if they want those primal nethers to make the gear. At least if I could run, get the nethers and then give them to them, I would already be a ste in the right direction, but I have to hope someone will put the effort into it for me, and that doesn't seem likelly to happen.

Why does it feel that everyone is against me and the actual game itself is being a pain in my ass and being hard for me to get thigns done? Wondering how hard it would be for me to get my tailoring all the way up and be able to make the gear msyelf. Slowly becoming a avenue I wanna look into. Been storing away some cloth, and lotus can help on low lvl cloths too, which leaves the middle ground - we'll see how that goes, since I remember runeC going for like 2g/stack, but that may have gone up since the expac, as it may be in lesser supply and slightly more demand.

Ok - back on vent, feeling better.

Midterm death

Well, didn't think the last one posted, so I lost hope in this blog thing, but it seems it had and now I guess I can post another.

I don't get sick often, but when I do it's usually as a result of prolonged stress and poor physical maintenance, ie; not eating, sleeping, keeping hydrated, leaving the house, wtvr. This usually happens once or twice a year and I feel like the living dead for a week or two and it's pretty hardcore. Having done some very rough midterms and then jetting off to MA to visit Joe and then comming back and having my stats midterm, I had my plate full and needless to say.. there was some neglect, and now I'm surely paying for it.

Worst part is that now I'm thinking I should get a job, and how the hell am I supposed to stay motivated and present myself well if the inside of my head is rotting and leeking out my nose?f

Speaking of which, this trip to Boston was amazing; I really had a great time. There were some periods of low effficientcy, which irritated me at the time, but honestly, not a huge deal at all. Joe had a lot of shit going on and I was well aware of that when I signed up. I can only hope I managed to keep him in good spirits while I was there and that he enjoyed himself, if even for a short while.

BUT - OMG, no wonder americans are said to be so fat. I couldn't get over how I couldn't escape deep fried food anywhere I went. Allbeit, amazing deep fried food, but damit ! I must have gained like 15 pounds in the week I was down there.

Have to say that one of my pet peves was that I wasn't able to try on tank tops. Why? I have no fucking clue. Think in the time I was there I was only really able to try one or two on. Seems they are so freakishly kootie free there that undershirts are a no-no in the change room. I don't understand.. but wtvr. Having a rather difficult time trying to find some that fit really well to start off with, I wasn't about to just buy them and deal with it later either.

Saw a Haute Couture exhibition at the MFA in Boston. It reinspired me to be fashionable and want to make others fashionable as well. To be standing in front of garments that were seen on runways in Milan or Paris, made my people who had spent thousands of hours embroidering and pinning, cutting and sewing, dresses that were creativity in it's purest form, it was surreal. Standing feet away from a Lacroix dress or a Dior bustier, I was realy just awe struck. Heh - sitting here thinking about it, smirking ot myself. It was great.

hmm - bored now.

Back at it

Oye, ok, here we go.

As you can see I've not been bloging for a while, most likely because I was thinking it was a fad and something that I enjoyed for a short while and would not pick up again. It would seem that I am feeling the need again to express myself and lacking the people to do it @ so I thought this would be a usefull venue for the evening's reflections.

First realisation, Xmas alone is fine, and New Year Eve alone is fine as well.. just don't do both in the sme holiday season. I found it really quite lonely. It wasn't one of those lonely, I'm depressed and no one cares about me moments, it was just really really quiet. I have to say tho, that having had that downtime, and also the place to myself to do what I want with was nice and gave me the time to recharge the batteries before heading into the next semestre, where I will most likely be pushing forward into a better carrer situation and be trying to reforge my aliances with the fashion industry since I've kinda lost touch with a lot of the peeps of old.

Tangent - still think I should go into the men's underwear industry in some way shape or form. Seems to be something I enjoy elarning about and also a niche that seems to be seeing a lot of expansion lately as well, which makes me happy to no end, since i'm tired of wearing underwear that doesn't fit right.

I'm getting fat again.. blubber bluber blubber.. not pretty, but my ass is still sexy.. so It's not all bad.

Watched a shit load of movies over the past couple of weeks. They were my escape from the lonelyness and helped me to foreget myself quite a bit. I think I've mentionned my overimplication into plot lines.. well can you imagine me watching like 20 movies ? The emotional turmoil I must have endured ? Gotta say it was nice to ride that emotional rollercoaster for a bit since last semestre I was quite blank and devoid of emotion for most of the latter half.

Room mate is comming home tomorow. Still not sure why I'm affraid of her, since she's not really all that much to be affraid of, she's just typically not in a good mood and I find it's just better to run away then to risk confrontation, since she intends on being here for another year or more, so would hate to cause more friciton then need be. Although I really should speak to her about paying bills. Something I've done for her since she's arrived and just been too scared to ask her about since.

I wondered today, after watching the latest movie, if people stop thinking about how their parents impact their lives or stop resenting their parents or wtvr when they get older. I suppose not, but you would think that at some point one would start owning their situation and not blaming or attributing success to someone else and think that they were in their current situation due to their own imput into their own lives. Wish I could concretely thank my father for sometihng he comtributed to my life, but it would seem I often come up short when thinking good things about him. Although, I haev to admit that in recent past I've come to understand and apreciate the hard work and sacrifice he's endured for our well being as a family. I would like to think that he would rather have been closer to us, but circumstances wouldn't allow.

I'm still trying to figure out what job would best allow me to explore my own capacity for performance. I'm standing by what I had once said, that if they just found a way to hook me up directly to a computer, or at least make a more user friendly interface, I would be able to surpase myself tenfold.

Frustration: being a red head seems to be so wonderfull to so many people, everyone seems to wish they had this color hair/skin. I think they just like it because it's not what they have and they just can't have it. Since from what I understand you can't really dye it this color unless you spend a whole whack of money and have it done professionally, and even then, it would seem it doesn't come easily. Even at that, you're still not the same wretched everlasting color of white I seem to be. I had once spoken to a long time nurse and she was saying that red heads are actually more likely to resist pain medication, have a lower pain threshhold, tend to bleed out more often and suffer complication more frequently during operations then other people. People also seem to think I shoudl try and tan.. apparently they just don't understand how this whole white as the fresh driven snow works. I burn. I burn the second I leave the house. I can run up the road do some groceries (indoors) and then walk back and I will feel the sun burn on my face and neck when I take a shower in teh evening and will notice some redness the following day if I had foregotten to put on sun screen. Even more interesting is that I burn, then turn white again. So it's not even like these girls who burn once and burn hard at the begining of the summer and then they are tanned. It's just not happening. The more I think about being a red head the more I wonder if it's a malformation or genetic mutation of some sort back in the day that spawned us in those lush rolling hills in the European lands of old..

I seem to be having a hard time finding a dildo with a suction cup on the bottom that would serve the purpose I have in mind. Some are too small, some are more like plugs, some are more like coke bottles, wide and short, not so fun. Was looking at the porn star replica things, and was wondering why someone would pay 150$ for a rubber cock just because it was in the shape of someone else's; whom they've never met. Seems a wee bit odd to me. But I have to say they were most likely the best candidates to be what I was looking for tho.. Damn me and my expensive taste.

Hmm - me thinks I'm done for the time being. I'll keep going tomorow if I have anything to add, or perhaps even this evening.

Jay

Crazy Grany ?

Soo, this evening I was watching "Rumour Has It" which is the rip from the graduate. If you watched to the end and saw a little bit of the credits, the grand ma grabs the guys ass.

Definately the best part of the movie. When I saw that I immediately wondered if I was going to be the crazy old granny when my brother's children grow old. Heck, I'm already her, just without the silk blouses and the smoking. In a way I somewhat aspire to become that, as it seems it would be well within possibility, and on another hand, no matter how many novels I read or movies I see, the same thing always holds true for this particular character; they drink heavily and know more about real life than anyone else in the family. That being said, they almost always have a great deal of tragedy within their own, or hold great gief.

Somehow I don't think that's what I want for myself - To live a life of fabulous mistakes and regrets. I don't have much to regret right now, or at least not anything of importance, and I would very much like to keep it that way. Although I'm more than willing to make the mistakes. Ya gotta learn boudaries somewhere - and lord knows my family didn't teach me much about the real world or the people in it, so I have to learn it for myself. Mistake after fucked up mistake.

I was talking to Pat not long ago, and I was saying to him, I'm at the point where the average lonely persone would say to themselves that they need to fall in love. Thinking to themselves that's what's missing in their lives. I've accepted being single and somewhat lonely as a part of who I am and who I have become. I AM that wonderfully whitty and perfectly conversational persone whom you want to always invite out to dine or drink. Unfortunately when I attend these things everyone is married, engaged or at the very least seriously sleeping with someone. I can only imagine me bringing everyone I was sleeping with to a dinner party ?! Now that would be something to behold. I could almost charge admission for people to attend.

As an alternative to having a +1, I was thinking of self fulllfilment in some way. Or learning to better ascert myself for myself, since I usually ascert for other people and to my own detriment. So something like kick boxing was an option. I would get fit, and learn a valuable skill, and also get some disciplined training of some sort, and I think it might teach me focus. Not to mention add to the long list of reason why people should fear me. But that's another story.

Not so similar ... ?

So, I'm having an introspective day today. Brace yourselves.

For some time now I've been noticing that I don't seem to see/perceive things the same way as most. Or I don't understand things the same way. Things Feel different to me than other people. It's disconcerting when a friend and I could see or listen to the same thing and I end up traumatised or end up stuck in a strange head space for a while and the persone I'm with has no idea what's the matter. Not the easyest thing to explain to someone.

Some people have told me it's because reed heads have magical tendancies - which I suppose could be an interesting avenue to explore. From what I understand there are quite a few cultures that have lore and mythology surrounding red headed people in some shape or form. But am I really willing to accept that I'm like psyshic or something ? I think that may be a stretch.. (Although it may explain why people have this strange desire to tell me all about themselves and their most intimate secrets after only having known me for a short while.)

Then I have this need to be exploited and to be pushed harder then I thought woud normally be possible. Most of the time it's my own doing since I very seldome find things that will challenge me in any real way. I was actually pondering going into the army and having them push me really hard and see how well I could do. I like the idea of challenges on a scale. They start small and get harder. I despise monotony. Thinking that if there was one place where they could have demanding programs that would be the place. OR possibly get into a really cool program.

I know I could do more with my life, I just have to figure out what that might be...
I have the potential ....

Short Shorts!

Figure today I should get some cleaning done since I haven't done any hadcore cleaning in a while. But what to wear? Heh - you guessed it. Short Shorts ! And why not ? I can clean my rediculously large bath tub without getting my pants wet and run arroudn teh house like a mad man without getting too warm, as summer is definately here - hot as fuck out.

Throw a tank on and turn up the music and make magic happen!
Or at least that's the plan. Who knows what I'm likely to do instead of clean as it's already 2pm and I have yet to do anything. The clichet "Young, dumb, and full of cum" comes to mind for some reason. Must be the shorts talking.

Addiction..

For some reason I can't seem to be able to stop eBaying. It's unreal!

For the most part I seem to be shopping for underwear... so I suppose that the underwear addiction may be the root of the problem since it's easyer than going out to every single store in town to buy underwear and not find what you want when you can go online and find something you DO want and also get a good deal on it and also get it delivered to your door to BOOT!.

I suppose it may be for lack of a 'plus one' (ie: boyfriend) so I take comfort in good quality underwear betwene my legs instead. Not to say I go without any play... Most of you who know me should know better. Still not sure how I manage to do it, but I do! I guess good friends can fill in where you need a little comfort in the mean while I suppose.

OR VODKA!

But that's another story...

Wasted day

Got home late last night comming home from the club with James after leaving him in a storm. Sorta feel bad about that since i don't think he knew what hit him. Got up at 8am this morning to watch cartoons. And by 8am I mean noon and by cartoons I mean porn.

Getting my ass in gear - I have tons of laundry to be doing; so that's slowly happening. Amanda's out of town for the week, which is nice. Get to sorta just shill out for the week and do whatever I want since she's not here. Maybe I should throw and orgy in my living room... Maybe I should get curtains first

Not sure what i'll be up to this week since i've done a lot of it now, and I have to wait for my Scholl application to go through before I can do more paperwork. Keep thinking I should go out and have sex, but I keep having bad sex. I keep wondering if bad sex is better than no sex ?

This whole blog thing is definately a work in progress. Harder than I thought it would be. I seem to be learning to reformat my entire page through code.. what a pain. I'll have to get back to this a little later.

Ehhr - Dr. T

Music: Jeremy Camp's Open up your eyes, from the Narnia Soundtrack.

So once again the family is making me have dinner with Dr. Tellier (my uncle). I have to go and have dinner with him so my mother calls him and talks to him about some family shit she's been meaining to speak to him about but just didn't have the balls to. So Basically it's a tradeoff. At least I'm getting a meal out of the deal.

Just watched So You Think You Can Dance Amanda taped for me. I always get a kick out of the audition shows for these reality show things. It's sorta nice to see people with a passion and going for it full force. Although it's also just great to see some of these people break their nose or throw up or falll down and such, since they really do it with such grace... HAH

Looking at the last post I made... wondering if I'm going to regret putting that picture in. Guess we'll see. It could have been worse. Meh.